Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Friday, January 11, 2013

Describe 10 Pet Peeves you have

Next on the to do list- list 10 pet peeves. Hmm, there may be a lot more then 10 but I will narrow it down.


1. People using silly words for a pregnant mother, e.i "preggo". Something about that irritates me.

2. Drivers who do not use their turn signal. 

3. Drivers who do not turn right on red, when it is permitted.

4. People looking over my shoulder when I am reading. 

5. When people do not have the common courtesy to call before stopping by.

6. People who use the word Irregardless in the wrong way. 

7.  People who consider their dog their child. Not even close. If that dog attacks your child I highly doubt it will get just a time out. 

8. The noise of something scratching metal, chalk boards and glass.

9. Empty boxes in the pantry.

10. The people who baby talk with the dog they consider their child.


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Describe your most embarrassing moment

I think that we have all had embarrassing moments. It is hard to come up with a good one. 

My first child was born October 2008 via emergency C-Section. It was an awful experience, my doctor still doesn't know what happened. Maybe I will tell you all about it one day, if anybody cares to read.

After the procedure I couldn't move very much and needed a lot of help. 

Being the time of person I am, I embarrass all to easy. Just the fact I couldn't clean myself made me go beat red in the face and gave me almost a panic attack. It was embarrassing. Those nurses are trained for that, I get it, I'm a CNA. Yet that feeling of not being able to help myself with a simple task was degrading. It was my fault, and I was embarrassed for that. 

Kind of a sad story, not as funny as it should be. 

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Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Letter to Myself As a New Mom

This is the letter I'm sure I'd want to read years ago when the diapers and sleepless nights had just began. Also those tiring first days in the hospital when breastfeeding was just not working.


Dear New Mom,

You're alive! You made it through the most horrible and most extraordinary experience of your life. That Cesarean section was not planned, and it may have almost taken your life but you're here. The nurses are not helpful with nursing and they are pushing formula on your new baby girl. You know this is wrong, but you just don't know what to do. She wont latch on right and your toes are curling from the pain. When she starts losing weight they will give you no choice but to supplement. Yet, you persevere. You want this to work and you will give it your all. Nursing is not always easy.

Do not get discouraged over this. It will get easier. Find the lactation nurse. She knows what she is doing. The first six weeks of nursing will seem like an uphill battle, but it gets better. You may want to give up right now but later on you will be so proud. A few months from now you will be extremely happy. Your nursing relationship will improve and you will educate yourself as you should have during your pregnancy.

Becoming pregnant again was not on you to do list. It will happen a lot sooner then you want it to. Your baby is 12 weeks old and you are just getting a handle on things. You're scared and don't know how you'll make it. This will pass. You are a strong woman and a great mother. 

You are not perfect, no mother is. You are beautiful. Even with the stretchmarks. 

You will sleep through the night again. You will have a clean home again. You will wear pre-baby clothes again. Take it one day at a time. 

Soon you will have three young children and it will just come naturally just as you wish it would now. It takes hard work and you have worked so hard to become the woman you are.

You will be in college and juggling life as a mom of three. You may not lose all that baby weight but you have those three precious babies. 

Just know that you will successfully breastfeed all of your children and do so in public without a care. 

You are strong!

Baby #3
The road ahead looks tough, I'm sure. There will be days when you are sad and don't understand why. You are overwhelmed and exhausted. This time may seem like it will never end, but somehow you will find a way. 
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Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My 3 legitimate fears.

Get ready for another installment of my 30 things! I have to be honest, this one stumped me. I have many fears. Thinking of just three legitimate ones is just extremely difficult. Also being as indecisive as I am makes it almost impossible. These have to be my top three fears that I deal with a lot. Now don't laugh.

1. Zombies. I love zombie movies and the walking dead is my favorite show of all time. Often times I find myself waking from a deep sleep and having a panic attack because I had a nightmare that zombies were chasing me or my family. My nightmares can be amazingly scary. Zombies could probably be a metaphor but it still scares me. Maybe I watched too many horror movies or maybe it has to do with the fear below.

2. The dark. You know that feeling you used to get while you were trying to sleep and your closet door was open just a little. Yeah, I still get that horrible feeling. It gives me panic attacks. Actually right now my closet is slightly open and I am too chicken to look over. It's an irrational fear. One that just never left me when I grew up. Even walking in the hallway at night scares me. I have to turn every light on. It's horrible. I often times think to myself "is it even worth it to open my eyes." I seriously psyche myself out.

3. Crowds. Do you see a pattern here? Crowds give me horrible anxiety. It has gotten better since becoming a mom and I have never taken and medication for my anxiety. I refuse to while breastfeeding. Ever since I was little I would hide by myself. It's just my programming. I hate shopping because of it. The thought of shopping gives me anxiety. I hate staying home but I rather go crazy at home than out in a crowd. It's another irrational fear but I have no control over it. I just can't figure it out.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Confession: I was bullied.


It really isn't something I talk about or actually have ever talked about. But I want to share my story on all the bullies I had in middle school. This comes straight from the heart and is honestly a very difficult thing to discuss. These are my words, my story, and my life.

She sat in the back of the classroom whenever she could. When the teachers would call on her she would freeze up and feel the warmth overcome her body. Her anxiety levels would rise to a dangerous peak. It was hard for her to be around people even without the drama the other children would cause her. School isn't supposed to be easy, but they made it unbearable. So unbearable that suicide was contemplated on more than one occasion. This 12 year old girl was so beautiful, talented, with a life of bliss ahead of her. Yet, that was not the life she had and was far too distant to see the light.

That little girl was me. I have felt the sharpness of a blade to my wrist. I have ingested too many pills to count. Alcohol was my crutch. Life was too hard to handle for a variety of reasons. Before you say, "Yeah, OK, life is supposed to be hard" think again. Too many people say "just get over it". Then you find that child did in fact take their own life. I was too much of a coward to even be a coward. Those girls broke me, yet I held on for a reason I didn't know at the time.

If you Google Bullying, you will find over 66,000,000 results.

I was harassed, I was bullied. To this day, I can't tell you why. I do not know that answer. Maybe I was too shy? I didn't have many friends? There was nothing wrong with me. They just chose to not like the cute little blond girl that stood before them. My mother said they were jealous. To this day, I do not think she understands how bad it was. (Sorry if you are finding this out now mom) I was miserable, that much was apparent. I did hide it well. There was only one person in the world new how far I felt from earth. She was my best friend. This person knows who she is. We went through the shift together.

To everyone I was a slut, a bitch, a whore. But for what? What did I do? I kept the same boyfriend for years. Yet I was the damaged girl. I kept my head down while I walked the hallways. My long blond hair was shielding my watering eyes. I was lonely, lost and forgotten.

I have been the little coward he ran from a group of girls. I hid from these monsters who were trying to "jump" me. Violence was not in my nature, and I saw no reason for it. What was the point?

Looking back 10 years I can tell you that I only stood up for myself once. It was probably not the best of ways to handle the situation. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was 13 years old. We were in the lunch line in middle school. One of my numerous bullies would be snickering behind me. I could hear her talking about me and saying how much my bra was stuffed. Oh please such a petty thing. Well, I did the silliest thing and I proved her wrong. I did not flash anybody but I pulled one of my 2 shirts open. You could tell there was NO way possible that I stuffed my bra. It got the point across and she stood there moth adjacent. Was it smart? No, but I felt much better. Did it stop the bullying? No, it just stopped that rumor.

My life was full of depression. I was never, okay. I was born sad. Is that even possible? As long as I can remember I would hide from the world. In my own little corner and my bedroom was my sanctuary. The bullying just made me worse. It made me who I am today. Ten years have passed and I have grown into an amazing adult. The wife of a great man, the mother of three amazing children and I am not afraid of the world. I still suffer every day from an ailment I will never know the reason for. I'll always be withdrawn. But I am who I am. I love me.
The person I am is great. I may not like to go out into crowds or be as outgoing as I wish I could be. But I take this road one step at a time. There will always be another mountain to climb. This life is mine and I will not let those who bullied me define my life. The mistakes I made along the way were my choice to make and each of them made me a better person.

When my children are old enough I will share with them my struggle. Hopefully they will listen and understand to not hide. Being open about bullying is important. If nothing is said then nothing gets done. My children will learn from me that this is unacceptable behavior. It has to be stopped, and it starts with our children. Teaching them how to behave in the world is important. They learn by example. Our children are a clean slate when born and it is our duty to teach wrong from right.