Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, January 18, 2014

Life, Love, and Family. Making a better 2014!

Life, Love, and Family. Taking it one day at a time in 2014!

Hey everyone, Desiree here. I know that I have been a bad blogger lately. Please accept my sincerest apologies on that one. We have been dealing with a lot of stuff.  Trust me. It has not been a walk in the park. The good news is the husband is well on his way to a new career. Yes! I'm hoping we get out of this rain cloud soon.

Did I mention how bad I am with money? I do not spend it, but I can't save it either. Where does it all go? Honestly we buy the necessities in life and not much more. I make my shampoo last several more months than it probably should. It all comes down to the cost of living. It is too damn high! Food is a huge money sucker upper! Am I wrong? Maybe I am not doing it right, but like I said, I really stink at that. Oh well, I think I get better at this mom stuff every year, and every kid. Hopefully that means I will get better at life in general soon too.

On to other excuses things. I am depressed. I know, I am sorry to drop that huge bomb on you out of the blue. But it is true. I have major depression and it is not getting much better. Depression, something about that word has always made me feel ashamed and even dirty. Like it was some horrible thing that another person could catch. So ashamed in fact that I have gone that last few years without uttering a word about how I feel inside. And then one day, my walls came down and I just had to cry. I cried so much that day. I rarely cry anymore. I guess holding it all in and not speaking about how I feel really took its toll on my mental health. Tonight, another night of spilling my guts out. Thinking about it gives me anxiety. I don't hide it well anymore. I know my kids can see. I have given up on myself. The world can see that. My house is either clean or an utter mess. Some days I am dressed up, makeup all done, and the next I am just in sweats and a pony tail. If some things are done well, others are seriously lacking. Everything around me is just as I feel inside. Which means that the world sees me. I rather just hide.

I didn't make any New Years Resolutions for 2014. But I do have some goals right now for our life and family.
  • 1. To try and be happy. It should be that easy, I know. I really wish that it was. I love my children and everyone that is in my life. None of that fake stuff. 
  • 2. To get out of my comfort zone and do more. I need to give myself room to grow. If you put a plant in a small jar, it is never going to show it's full potential. Why do I do this to myself? I need to get out and do more for my mind, body and soul. Bring the kids to the park, to Chuck 'E' Cheese, any where but here. 
  • 3. Do more for my body! I say it all of the time. "I wish I was as fat as I was when I first thought I was fat." I gained way too much with my first child, it just stuck to me. I need to lose 60bs to be in the "okay" range for my height. That just makes me want to eat cake. Chocolate cake. mmm. Did I mention I am an emotional eater? Not a good combination. 
  • 4. Get more out of blogging. My blog was a great outlet for how I felt and my thoughts once upon a time. It helped with my depression and gave me a bit of social interaction. I created some great friendships too. Then, I fell off the face of the planet. Don't worry, I did this in real life too. Whoops. It wasn't intentional, I promise. I just couldn't handle much of life anymore. But I am coming back to planet Earth. I want to rejoin the species. Ah. It wont be easy. 
  • 5. Enjoy each and every day with my kids. Make everyday unique and matter more. No more rushing for them to get ready, to put their gloves and hats on. No more being in such a hurry that I miss the moments that matter most, those moments that I can never get back. No More of getting frustrated so easily. They grow up so fast. I feel like I have been half asleep or most of it. It saddens me so much that I have been sad almost everyday of their life. And it was my fault for not realizing the impact. No more of it. Okay, it isn't so easy. But I will try. 

We did have some incredible moments in 2013, but I will be damned if I don't make 2014 the most exciting year yet!

I did officially Marry the love of my life in 2013! Feel free to browse those incredible photos below. 
Our wedding was gorgeous. It was held at lake Pearl Lucianos in MA. 

Sorry for all the pictures. I just had to share the good memories. I can't believe it took us 8 years to finally tie the knot! Sure, we did it all backwards. Our love story is far from ordinary in itself. Normal people wouldn't have met how we did. So in an odd way, this worked for us. We have a home, a family and now I have his last name. I can't wait to enjoy each and every day as a Mrs.! 

What did you accomplish in 2013?Read this article next.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Confession: I was bullied.

It really isn't something I talk about or actually have ever talked about. But I want to share my story on all the bullies I had in middle school. This comes straight from the heart and is honestly a very difficult thing to discuss. These are my words, my story, and my life.

She sat in the back of the classroom whenever she could. When the teachers would call on her she would freeze up and feel the warmth overcome her body. Her anxiety levels would rise to a dangerous peak. It was hard for her to be around people even without the drama the other children would cause her. School isn't supposed to be easy, but they made it unbearable. So unbearable that suicide was contemplated on more than one occasion. This 12 year old girl was so beautiful, talented, with a life of bliss ahead of her. Yet, that was not the life she had and was far too distant to see the light.

That little girl was me. I have felt the sharpness of a blade to my wrist. I have ingested too many pills to count. Alcohol was my crutch. Life was too hard to handle for a variety of reasons. Before you say, "Yeah, OK, life is supposed to be hard" think again. Too many people say "just get over it". Then you find that child did in fact take their own life. I was too much of a coward to even be a coward. Those girls broke me, yet I held on for a reason I didn't know at the time.

If you Google Bullying, you will find over 66,000,000 results.

I was harassed, I was bullied. To this day, I can't tell you why. I do not know that answer. Maybe I was too shy? I didn't have many friends? There was nothing wrong with me. They just chose to not like the cute little blond girl that stood before them. My mother said they were jealous. To this day, I do not think she understands how bad it was. (Sorry if you are finding this out now mom) I was miserable, that much was apparent. I did hide it well. There was only one person in the world new how far I felt from earth. She was my best friend. This person knows who she is. We went through the shift together.

To everyone I was a slut, a bitch, a whore. But for what? What did I do? I kept the same boyfriend for years. Yet I was the damaged girl. I kept my head down while I walked the hallways. My long blond hair was shielding my watering eyes. I was lonely, lost and forgotten.

I have been the little coward he ran from a group of girls. I hid from these monsters who were trying to "jump" me. Violence was not in my nature, and I saw no reason for it. What was the point?

Looking back 10 years I can tell you that I only stood up for myself once. It was probably not the best of ways to handle the situation. It was a spur of the moment thing. I was 13 years old. We were in the lunch line in middle school. One of my numerous bullies would be snickering behind me. I could hear her talking about me and saying how much my bra was stuffed. Oh please such a petty thing. Well, I did the silliest thing and I proved her wrong. I did not flash anybody but I pulled one of my 2 shirts open. You could tell there was NO way possible that I stuffed my bra. It got the point across and she stood there moth adjacent. Was it smart? No, but I felt much better. Did it stop the bullying? No, it just stopped that rumor.

My life was full of depression. I was never, okay. I was born sad. Is that even possible? As long as I can remember I would hide from the world. In my own little corner and my bedroom was my sanctuary. The bullying just made me worse. It made me who I am today. Ten years have passed and I have grown into an amazing adult. The wife of a great man, the mother of three amazing children and I am not afraid of the world. I still suffer every day from an ailment I will never know the reason for. I'll always be withdrawn. But I am who I am. I love me.
The person I am is great. I may not like to go out into crowds or be as outgoing as I wish I could be. But I take this road one step at a time. There will always be another mountain to climb. This life is mine and I will not let those who bullied me define my life. The mistakes I made along the way were my choice to make and each of them made me a better person.

When my children are old enough I will share with them my struggle. Hopefully they will listen and understand to not hide. Being open about bullying is important. If nothing is said then nothing gets done. My children will learn from me that this is unacceptable behavior. It has to be stopped, and it starts with our children. Teaching them how to behave in the world is important. They learn by example. Our children are a clean slate when born and it is our duty to teach wrong from right.